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Yes, I Was a Racist

I don’t need to tell you that we as a nation are in turmoil, and it seems like there is no end to destruction, disunity, hate and death.  However, there is good news.

As I stated in the earlier posts, I will do my best to stay consistent with my commitment to take you only where I have been or on my way to myself. This is not only fair, but necessary in order to overcome my personal hypocrisy of telling you what you should do without providing for my own inward transformation that leads to the outward change into a better me in accordance with the highest standard, which in my case is Jesus, my Messiah.

My Racism:

Thirty years ago, on May 9th, 1990 to be precise, me and my family landed at  JFK airport after leaving the former Soviet Union where I grew up. Stepping onto the American soil for the very first time at the age of  23 years old, I immediately felt very small (literally) and intimidated by everything and everybody around me. All things seem big, the cars (1980’s “boats on wheels”), the sky scrapers and the people. Big, tall and black people were everywhere – something I had not been accustomed to, being raised in white Russia.  Not being able to speak English didn’t help either, and all kinds of fears and unhealthy phobias started to settle in my mind shaping up my deep rejection of all things I didn’t understand and people I could’t relate to.

Years went by, and finally being able to communicate in English with the world around me in this process of assimilation into the culture I was in, I gained a great deal of knowledge about the people I found myself a part of.

Education is not enough

Even though my knowledge and some understanding of the different nationalities, races, groups etc. steadily increased, my comfort level when dealing with people around me decreased. You see, my English skills, naturally good work ethics and a formal professional education have propelled me up the socioeconomic ladder almost overnight. I was soon making a six digit income while married to the love of my life and living in a predominantly white neighborhood in a suburb of Seattle, WA. My socioeconomic status did not bring me a deeper understanding of the issue of racism in America. No matter how much I heard about it on the news, I was able to successfully navigate around it without much trouble. It was always somewhere out there and away. Besides, having escaped the reality of being frequently ridiculed as a child for my darker olive skin tone, thick black wavy hair, the unibrow,  and, as you might have guessed, Jewish parents, I found it easy to blend in in this culture of acceptance (or so I thought) gladly leaving the unpleasant past behind on the other side of the ocean. My natural instinct to avoid anything race related  was effortless as long as I agreed outwardly that racism is wrong and someone should do something about it.

Now looking back, I admit, I was a racist. I would never show it, of course. It was well hidden deep inside. The only times it would raise it’s ugly head was when my fear and judgement filled thought process was exposed and laid bare in front of me by my own guilt that I couldn’t understand let alone do anything about. I thought it didn’t hurt anyone because it was veiled, but I felt ashamed of my inner self, so I guess it hurt me. I had to continue burying it deep, and frankly no matter how much of information or knowledge through the process of education I received it didn’t seem to help. I was full of fear of those that didn’t look like me.

Association?

If I checked myself in a confined space with a group of people with different skin colors from mine and for a long time, I would argue that it still wouldn’t be enough to rehabilitate me. Yes, I could learn how to be more comfortable with those people and even learn how to mimic their behaviors to blend in further. However, I do believe that my fears of skin color and cultural differences that others display could not be eradicated by a mere association. Furthermore, it would easily be replaced by my other fears such as being rejected  by those around me because I am so different from them. That, in turn, would drive me even further away from those that don’t look or behave like me  – natural phenomenon of self preservation.

The Only Answer

“Until we have seen ourselves as God see us, we are not likely to be much disturbed over conditions around us as long as they do not get so far out of hand as to threaten our comfortable way of life. We have learned to live with unholiness and have come to look upon it as the natural and expected thing.”
― A.W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy
Read and reread the above quote from A.W. Tozer. What he is saying is that a personal transformation must take place in order to acquire the true knowledge of who you are first. My life is the witness of such transformation, and no one can deny it.
You see, natural or conventional education alone, regardless of the level of  sophistication, will only allow for a personal advancement in the natural  realm of understanding which cannot cause the true radical change in us. It is the inward spiritual transformation that thrusts one into the realm of the supernatural outwardly manifested change afforded by the greatest power in the universe. In other words, it is only when I put my trust in the only true God who made me and wrote about me in His Holy Scriptures for me to read and know, I begin to understand who I am in Him.
“I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:14
Knowing that He created me in love, I accept and learn how to love me which in turn drives out my fears. Only then I am able to see others with all the shades of skin color and cultures with the same love of His, and the fears are no more regardless of other people’s lack of such spiritual transformation.
“There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:28
“Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.” Colossians 3:11
Giving my life to Christ some 24 years ago and spiritually growing up in a church that purposefully adorned herself with the most beautiful garment of people of all skin colors I learned about the power given to me to overcome all kinds of prejudice. We and our children grew up together. We broke bread together; we loved one another, and that is what our nation so desperately needs.
God’s true church is the only place of rehabilitation from racism. There is no other.  I and millions of people have experienced this transformation, and the good news is so can you!